Let The SPAM Go Away

December, 11th 2001

@HMS secretariat

with a bowl of Mie and a glass of hot cappuccino Mang GODEG made.

My relationship with my adult-met-elder-brother a.k.a SPAM (Stupid Pointless Annoying Man) has successfully made me crazier through the days.

Yesterday, I told Bagus all what had happened between I and SPAM. He suggested me to still wage a struggle on him because no matter what the SPAM was not clearly on 'taken' status. So there were chances for me to get him not as my adult-met-elder-brother. In Bagus opinion, SPAM was  kind of clumsy person. That was why he (SPAM) used to send stupid pointless annoying messages to keep in touch with me. So I needed to be the one who start a topic to be discussed .

Well.. I did what Bagus had suggested.

I started to contact him via SMS.

I asked a simple and very trite question to him: "How are you?"

He replied that question, informed me that he was fine at that time.

And then I tried to talk about anything I wished It could be made a light talks between I and him.

We talked for a while via SMS.

Then he left me without any bye2 word.

I was lose at that time.

Today, again and again I checked SPAM's FB status.

Wew?!? What a such freak girl I was?!?

Oh NO....

I wanted to stop my addiction on him.

Then, I removed him from my friend list in FB.

This evening I talked to Sekar about SPAM (almost same with what I had talked to Bagus yesterday). Sekar gave me an enlightenment into my point of view. According to her, there was 'something' between me and him. We (I and he SPAM) mutually had the same feeling. The difference was: I wanted him for real; He wanted me not for real. She suggested me just to move on from him.

I review a while my relationship with him and I realize that Sekar's theory is right.

ARRRGGGHHH...

That has hurted me so much.

I cry. Yup I cry after suppressed by all my childish fear.

I hate this horrible situation. But finally, I have decided to move on. I can't lie to myself anymore. I want him for real. I want him not as adult-met-elder-brother. I hate to confess his: I've fallen in love with him. He came into my life in a perfect time. And because I'm not the one one who believes the phrase 'Love doesn't have to have', I just wanna let him go away in this 'perfect' time.

Dear God, You have created me as a fragile girl. So please handle me with care. Don't let me broke into shattered pieces. Please give me more and more strength to face all the reality in my life. Please give me more and more courage to live my life. I know that I haven't been a good person in my life. I'm sorry for asking you too much. Dear God...I really want to love You as much as You love me.